The Diary of a Hormonally Imbalanced Teenage Girl
by MuteMelody
Summary: What happens when a girl wit hraging hormones has her possum stolen, her best friend is eaten, and she is kidnapped and smuggled across the border to Canada? Oh, the drama! Oh, the suspense! No flock yet...they're in the next chapter, though!
1. A really bad day

Dear Diary,  
School was awful. Heck, my whole **day** was awful. I forgot to set my alarm clock last night, and I'm surprised I woke up at all. I threw on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt and had to run really fast.  
When I got to school, Lenny attacked me and tried to eat me again. But I hit him in the head with my geometry book and knocked him out. Seriously, that kid does **not** need to be in a public school.  
Then when I got to English, Mr. Weaver gave a pop quiz, which I'm sure I failed. I mean, we haven't even read about that stuff yet. He said everyone who failed the quiz had to clean his garage. Great.  
I was really looking forward to seeing my lovely boyfriend, Richard. I found him at lunch, eating a really yummy-looking sandwich. I asked him if I could try it, but he said no. So I put him in a headlock and wrenched it out of his hand. I took a bite. The meat tasted so familiar...  
My eyes widened in horror. "**Ophelia!**" I screamed. My pet possum, Ophelia, had gone missing two days ago. I let go of Richard and fell to my knees. I pointed at Richard. "You stole Ophelia and made a sandwich out of her!"  
"Yeah, I did," snapped Richard. "We are officially not a couple anymore. I only dated you for your possum!" Then he ran out of the cafeteria.  
My poor, poor Ophelia! My baby! Richard killed her and turned her into a delicious lunch meat! And ate her! Most of her, anyway. And I took a bite!  
I still remember the day I found her, alone and stinky, digging through our trash can. Ah, memories...  
So now I'm possumless _and_ boyfriendless. Richard and I had been dating three whole days! All the good times we shared, and all he really wanted was my sweet, innocent Ophelia.  
Then on my way home from school, the Hornets attacked. You know, that gang of eleven-year-olds that are evil that I told you about? Well, when I was walking past their treehouse they jumped out and beat me. I passed out, and when I woke up I was in their fort.  
I was tied to a chair, and my wrists were tied to the arms so I couldn't get free. The room was dim, except for a lamp with a fluroescent light bulb that shattered the darkness like a light-saber.  
The tweens were gathered around me in a semi-circle, and their leader, a boy I only knew as Puma, holding my backpack.  
"Hello, Millie," he said.  
"But my name isn't-"  
He held up his hand to quiet me. "Here you shall be called Millie." His voice was dripping with malice. He slowly unzipped my backpack. "We know about your little friend." I gulped.  
Puma reached into my bag and slowly withdrew my piece of buttered toast.  
"Dave," I whispered. How had he heard about Dave? I kept him with me always, always hidden from criticizing eyes. It wasn't his fault that he was a piece of toast. Toast has feelings too. Some people are just too racist to understand.  
Puma put Dave about five inches from my face. "Take a good look."  
I did, gazing upon him with all the love I had for him. He was just as beautiful as the day we met, five years ago at my grandmother's house...  
"Bacon," said Puma, snapping his fingers.  
A lardy boy waddled up. "Yes, Master?"  
And then, Puma handed him Dave. And evil grin spread across Bacon's face. He took my Dave and stuffed him in his mouth.  
_**"NOOO!!!!!!!" **_I screamed. _**"DAVE!!!!!"**_  
Then the Hornets untied me and threw me out of the tree. Bruised and heartbroken, I made my way home.  
"Darling!" my mother cried, running out of the house and wrapping me in her arms. "What's wrong?"  
I told her about Richard and Ophelia, and broke down crying again when I told her about Dave.  
"Oh, sweetie," she said, tears of sympathy streaming down her face. She cupped my face in her hands, and tilted it upwards to make me meet her gaze. "It's okay. I know it hurts, but this all happened for a reason. You may not see it now, but you will."  
So I will mourn. Especially for Dave. He was my best friend. Even though it seems impossible now, I know my spirit will find peace about all this. My life will never be the same, but it will go on.


	2. Chapter 2

The most wonderful thing has happened! My aunt Lucinda picked me up from school today and told me that she had won the lottery and is taking me on a vacation!

I wonder why Mother has never mentioned aunt Lucinda to me before. She doesn't favor Mother at all. At first I wasn't going to get in the car with her, because I'm smart. But then she sowed me a picture of her and Mother together, and I knew she was telling the truth. The picture looked funny, though, like Mother's picture had been taped on. But Lucinda said that it was just where she had sat on it earlier.

"So are we going to get my stuff from home?" I asked.

"No, Lindsey," she replied.

"But my name is-"

"Lindsey has always been my pet name for you," she said rather hastily.

Oh. That was sweet. "So where are we going?"

"Canada. I have a nice house there."

"But it we're going to your house, then how is it a vaca-"

"It's a vacation for you! Now shut up! We're going to the airport. Say your name is Lindsey Rhubarb."

"Why?"

"Because I said so!" she snapped, then sweetly smiled at me. "Darling."

We got on our flight about an hour later. I had never ridden on a plane before. I would've liked to sit by the window, but Lucinda had paid for the tickets, so I didn't complain.

We got to Canada a few hours later. Lucinda had a friend of hers, a woman named Claudette, pick us up from the airport. When she saw me, she started poking me everywhere and pinching my cheeks.

"Oo, you found a good one," she said. "A little lean, though."

She drove us out into some really dense woods. There was snow on the ground, and it was really pretty. I like snow.

I got kind of absorbed in the scenery, and didn't even notice Lucinda and Claudette talking in the front seat until they started arguing.

"Steaks," Claudette cried.

"We had steak last time. I want stew." Lucinda gave her a murderous glare.

"Steaks!"

"Stew!"

"Steaks!"

"Stew!"

"Steak!"

Then auntie Lucinda pulled out a great big knife and pressed it against Claudette's throat. "Stew."

Claudette gulped. "O-okay. Fine. Stew." Lucinda put the knife back in her purse and all was quiet.

Needless to say, they were kind of starting to creep me out. I would have to ask Mother about this later, because I didn't think Lucinda is very safe. I mean, she didn't even have that knife clean. It was covered with rust. Mother always keeps the butcher's knife if her purse squeaky clean and shiny.

"Here we are," said Lucinda as we pulled up to a tent. "Home sweet home."

I was really confused. "I thought you said we were going to your house."

"Uh...all Canadian houses look like this."

Oh. Well, Mother always did say Canadians were crazy. For example, what's up with Canadian bacon? It should be called Canadian ham.  
Claudette filled a huge pot with water and began to build a fire under it. "Here, " said Lucinda, tossing me a pink swimsuit. "Put this on."  
"Why?"  
"Because we're having a hot tub party."  
"But I don't see a hot tub."  
She pointed at the pot. "There."  
"But it looks more like a big cooking-"  
"It's a Canadian hot tub."  
"Oh. Okay!" That would be fun! I went into the tent-house-and changed, bringing my rubber ducky, Roger, with me. He likes hot tubs.  
Claudette and Lucinda were dicing carrots and potatoes and throwing them into the hot tub.  
"Why are you doing that?" I asked.  
"Carrots and potatoes are natural moisturizers," Lucinda replied. "Climb in!"  
I did. The water was nice and cozy, and Roger loved it. "Aren't you two getting in?"  
Claudette began to get some bowls and spoons out of the house. "Why, of course not. _You're _the guest of honor."  
"Oh." There was an awkward silence, while they just sat in the snow and stared at me. I pushed Roger around in the water.  
Then all of a sudden I heard a heard a a loud _ROAR!_ from above, and I looked up to see a huge purple dragon swooping towards me! Lucinda and Claudette screamed, and the next thing I knew the creature and scooped me up out of the water and was carrying me in his claws. I screamed.  
"MWAHAHAHAHA!!!" laughed the dragon maniacally. "I shall feast upon your flesh this night!"  
"NO!" I replied. "If you feast upon my flesh, who will take care of my rubber ducky, Roger, the love of my life since dearly beloved Dave parted from this earth?"  
He paused a moment, and I looked up into his eyes. A single tear slid down his cheek. "I once had a rubber ducky," he said, his voice filled with anguish. "Her name was Athena."  
"What happened to her?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.  
"I...I was attacking a village one day, and she was sitting on my shoulder, as always. But then, when I swooped down to blow fire on a house, she...she slipped and fell into the flames. I-I killed her!" The dragon was crying hard.  
"But it wasn't your fault!" I said. "You didn't mean to!"  
"But I let her fall!"  
"No, you didn't!"  
A change came over the dragon's face. "You're right! My conscience is clear!" He grinned merrily. "I think I'll find someone else for my dinner. What's your name?"  
"I'm-"  
"I shall name you Mirra!"  
"Mirra? Why?"  
"It means 'Healer of the mental scars of the ducky' in Dragonese."  
"Oh. Okay!" This was cool. I had gone on a vacation with my long lost aunt, gotten stolen by a dragon, acted as his therapist, and gotten a new nickname all in one day! Neat! "So what's your name?"  
"Frank," the dragon replied. "So where do you want to go?"  
"Would you mind taking me to my house?"  
"Sure!" So he flew me home, saying he'd come to visit me sometime. I like Frank.  
The next day when I was eating my nutritious breakfast consisting of a hamburger patty with oatmeal on the side, I saw the front page of the newspaper. The headline said **CANADIAN CANNIBALS CAPTURED AT LAST!!!**, and whose pictures should I see but Aunt Lucinda's and and Claudette's!  
I began reading the article, and it said that they got life in prison for cannibalism. I wonder what that means...I'll have to look it up in the dictionary. But it made me very sad, and I began to cry softly.  
"What's wrong?" asked Mother.  
"Aunt Lucinda was put in jail!"  
"What? That lady isn't your aunt!"  
Then why...aww, she must've wanted to be friends so badly that she lied about being related to me.  
I'll go visit her sometime.


End file.
